"... Wishing you were here Leaning on my shoulder A heavy rain is closing in Staring at the sky Waiting for salvation Another day will soon begin ..."
Yawn! What a busy day this has been. The morning was really messy. Katta was held up by something around breakfast time so I was kind of doing both our jobs for a while and a lot of things were happening all at once. Including M calling, which didn't exactly help me when my mind was already busy. It's very interesting how nice and chatty (work-related, of course!) he always is when he calls on the phone, while he hardly even said hi this morning. He sort of got on my nerves, cause he always seems so eager to point out how good he is, how careful about work etc. Yes, it is a good quality, and I like that about him, but there is no need to brag about it, right? Well, in a way I suppose that it is a positive sign that he does get on my nerves. Probably means that there is a chance I can get over him, right? But damn, he's so cute. Still, he effects me less than he used to, which is good. But I won't say too much, as I've thought like that before, and as late as last Friday again I almost felt knocked-down by his cuteness … These things are never easy! I just hope that it won't end in that awful empty feeling that sometimes catches me … I am so sick of feeling blue!
"... When the sun dries the rain And glitters through the trees I'll gaze at you With the winds you are gone my love ..."
Argh! We have a meeting this afternoon. So boring! Especially since I would be off at three if we didn't and now I have to wait until the meeting begins at four, and will end at six, if we're lucky. Sure, I do get paid for this hour of waiting also, but it still sucks. I want to go home. The weather is lovely and I would much rather sit on the balcony or something. We went outside during the lunch break and it was really lovely. Even the wind was a bit warm. Cosy. Seems like spring is finally here for real. All that's missing is a bit of "spring feelings", and someone to share them with, of course.
"... Watching how the shades Linger in the morning I can't escape the ghost of you I can hear your voice Calling in the distance I know you're feeling lonely too ..."
Speaking of which, the cute sale's guy (who is called Johan, by the way) was here yesterday, like I wrote last time. Indeed he is cute. If nothing else he is so charming that you have to adore him. I just try to remember that it is part of his work to be charming, and not be too effected. That can be hard sometimes, though. I ended up giving him a tour of our building, as he wanted to have the new price list and we keep them upstairs + they were hidden away in a store room. Well, I didn't mind at all *big smile* since it meant that he hung around for a while; and he didn't seem to mind much either. I was all giggly afterwards, so he surely effected me, no matter my good intentions not to let him, and I can hardly remember what we spoke about. (But isn't it good that someone else can make me feel that way, not just M? Cause for so long now, no one seemed to have effect on me but him.) Let's hope that he shows up again some time soon. I would like that. Woah. Cute guys can be so addictive, right? *blink* [And in my wildest dreams I would, of course, dare to ask him out and he would accept and it would all be so good. Haha! And everyone who knows me knows that I would never dare that at all, and if I did it would still end bad … It's not like I ever say all the things I mean to say to M, right?]
"... But the trees will fall someday So I must let you fade away When the sun dries the rain ... "
(lyrics by Evan)
Listening to: "Do what you're told" by Sebastian
Currently reading: "Siddhartha" by Hermann Hesse
Graeme Dott won the World Championship of snooker.
Well done, Dott! You deserved it!
And no, I did not stay up all night to watch it. Apparently the game ended at 2:40 am ... wether or not that was UK time or CET, I don't know, but I am glad that I did not try to stay awake for the whole game. (I went to bed at around 23:00)
Today was a totally okay day at work. M seemed to be in a really bad mood this morning, but luckily that did not effect me. Nor anyone else, I think, cause most people seemed to be in a good mood today. (Except perhaps that grumpy customer that hung up in my ear, but let's not care about her, she obviosly had a bad day) Actually M being in a bad mood is sort of good (even though I do not wish him anything bad - on the contrary!), cause then he is not as cute as he usually is - ergo, my heart is better off!
Speaking of which, the cute sale's guy will probably come by tomorrow to pick up some things, so maybe I'll meet him. Would be interesting to see if he's as cute as I remember from December ...
This said, I am hungry and Sofus will soon have the dinner ready so this will just be a very short entry.
... the teddy version of Dott ...
M looked so cute yesterday that I was almost knocked out. I can't explain what made him look cuter than on other days, but it must have been something. It's not like we spoke or anything, maybe we said hi, I don't remember. Lillen did most of the talking, as always! And I, of course, spoke mostly to Katta and Ida (except for Lillen then). It's always the most difficult to speak to the one person with whom you want to talk most of all, right? At least if you're not sure if he wants to talk to you ... Afterwards I so wished that I had blown him a kiss as I did so to Lillen (who was being annoying in the way only he can be and still be loved), but of course I did not. I'm never as courageous when he's actually around as I am when I think of what I want to do or should have done *sigh* Later in the day as I was talking to Lillen on the phone he was saying that he had come in to hug me the minute he saw me in the morning, and I was like "yes, it's a good thing that someone reacts that way when they see me" ... and he said something about that and then added that maybe I should've asked M for a hug. It felt very weird to talk about these things with him and pretend that it was pretty much as any topic to me ... I said I thought that he would probably have died or something if I did (to which he agreed). And I did not tell him how much I would actually have liked to do that *sigh* Like I said, it felt very strange to talk about M and hugs and whatever (or single guys risking to die early according to some article that L had read in the paper, which he had talked about with M he said ...)and pretend that it did not really matter. I care way too much about this guy, I know ... but where do I go from here? Why can't I just accept the fact that he does not want me and move on from there? Do I really need to hear him say it? (Damn yes! That would help so much. It would hurt, but it would help in the long run, I am sure!)
And why do I keep spilling all of these feelings out in blogs that could be read by just anyone? I thought I had enough of that back when A (and others) read every single word I wrote at lunarstorm ... but well, maybe I do have some secret hope that somehow he would?! Which is just crazy, cause I doubt he surfs the same sites that I do ... or that he would find me. Perhaps if he was looking for me, but that is hardly unlikely, right? Damn! Don't we all just have a certain need to be read? I miss having my lunardiary read by more people than the usual two really ... I would not mind having it read by strangers, it's the ones I know but don't share everything with (read: certain workmates)that bother me finally ... *sad smile*
This said, I would probably have wasted all of yesterday contemplating M and his cuteness if I hadn't been interrupted (just as I was starting to write an entry in my lunarstorm diary about how cute M was actually *smile*)in my thoughts by that cute sale's guy who was in a rather flirty mood and kept me chatting on the phone for at least twenty minutes. I know that it doesn't mean anything, but it felt good being flattered just the same. Especially since I know that he is cute. I remember him dropping by work to pick up some stuff at Lucia. He was kind of flirty then too (telling me I looked lovely with my white clothes and glitter in my hair), actually, and really cute! Anyway, he really cheered me up and I was in a really good mood for the rest of the day (and technically we have a date next Valborg holiday, as he told me he would take me to his hometown, which supposedly was the place to be to celebrate Valborg)... I think Lillen was very surprised when he called me and I answered "It's actually quite okay" to the question how things were. That's probably the most positive answer he's had from me since I don't know when!! It felt good to be in a good mood, haha!
Nina visited for a while yesterday and brought me a really cute belated birthday gift. This really cute Humphrey's corner stationary set:
I love it! Humphrey and his friends are so cute, and I've only seen them in cross-stitch charts before. I included the cute confetti (with bunnies!) that I got from Melyssa in one of the photos as well! *loving Sofus' digicam*
Anyway, I should try to get away from the computer. Which probably means going back to watching snooker (go Dott!) and continuing the endless work on my cross-stitching ... What an exciting life! Well, tomorrow at least I'm meeting with Camilla, which will be nice. Haven't met her IRL for over a year ... time passes too quickly! (But let's not get started on that topic tonight or this blog entry will really be endless!)
Listening to: "Back to Bedlam" by James Blunt
Currently reading: "Scaredy cat" by Mark Billingham
"... One night with you Is what I'm now praying for The things that we two could plan Would make my dreams come true ..."
I so should not be sitting by the computer again. I have way too much of that at work, and right now my entire body seems to be in pain, but mostly my lower arms, of course. It's really driving me crazy. Honestly, what can you do that does not strain your arms? Pretty much nothing ... especially not the things that I like to do, such as writing or cross-stitching and stuff like that. I've had these problems for so long now, and you get used to it somehow ... but now it's really getting worse. I don't want to be back at what it was a few years back when I had to take sick leave finally cause I just couldn't stand it anymore ... *sigh* Let's hope that it won't come to that. It's a good thing I will have vacations soon ... believe it's only three more weeks of work left now. Then Melyssa will come here. Wow! Surreal, for sure! And I really, really hope that the weather will be better by then ... cause what we've had so far this year has not been fun ...
"... Just call my name And I'll be right by your side I want your sweet helping hand My loves too strong to hide ..."
This week is really long and slow. That's usually the case when one has to work a whole week after some weeks have been shortened by holidays, no? There is still another day to go, and I am tired to the bone. Holidays tend to mess things up at work pretty bad, so we're all stressed out. Monday is off too. It's nice to have extra days off, of course, but they make so much trouble at work that sometimes it hardly feels worth it. The funniest thing happening at work today must have been this morning when Kari called and then all the drivers were shouting "good morning". That's an interesting start to your day, no? I couldn't help but smile when Kari told me he just wanted to let me know that he, Lillen, Magnus and Thomas were all sitting down there and Jarmo was loading his truck - just so that I shouldn't wonder where they were. Haha! I can't say that I was wondering, but who cares? Someone making you smile in the morning is always something! (*trying not to get lost in a daydream where I would actually wake to M's beautiful smile in the morning [and wondering if he does smile in the morning, as he does not seem to be one of those people who "rise and shine"]*)
"... Always lived, very quiet life I ain't never did no wrong Now I know that life without you Has been too lonely too long ..."
I decided to nominate this poem for the Sockerdricka anthology finally:
It really wasn't easy to chose one, so I decided to go for the one that I've had most positive response to at the site. I am not that active there, so I usually don't get too many comments, as usually the ones who have tons of comments are those who have many friends in the community. Anyway, now I will just have to wait and see if they will choose to publish my poem or not. I have no idea how many poems are submitted anyway ... I believe there was going to be 250 poems in the book or something. Whatever. I don't like to translate poems, and this one isn't exactly the easiest one, but I will try, for the sake of those of you who don't speak Swedish ...
The late summer sun penetrate like spears through heavy grey authumn clouds
warms my skin to longing and I tremble
Your eyes whisper to me through nights thick with dreams
wrap me up in sapphire-shimmering velvet
Starlit skies sparkle in your smile
that I have missed through eternal seconds of emptiness
Would you give me your hands to caress
in the first blooming of the dew of dawn?
It's dedicated to M, of course, who else? Damn! His smile is really the most beautiful thing!
"... One night with you Is what I'm now praying for The things that we two could plan Would make my dreams come true ..."
And I will never be able to understand how I can feel that destiny is calling when meeting hi eyes and yet be so wrong ... How can he not feel the electricity when we're in the same room? How could all those smiles, silly words that said nothing but felt heavy with meaning ... how could the mean nothing? That is truly a mystery ... and I go crazy contemplating it, for sure!
Jesper and Nasse making out on the sofa! We found them like this one day ... it means something to me only because my sister calles me Nasse sometimes and M's colleagues call him Jesper ...
Listening to: "Legendary Elvis"
Currently reading: "Scaredy cat" by Mark Billingham
Just wanted to show the white horse I got for my birthday from Lillen ... and riding him is of course Drömprinsen (Prince Charming) the frog. And no, when you kiss him he does not turn into a prince, unfortunately :( That would've been great though, wouldn't it?
Mr M was online at ICQ today when I logged on around lunchtime. After thinking about it for a while, I decided to drop him a little "hello" to see if there was any reaction or reply (my hands shaking violently, of course). There wasn't. Not that I am surprised, but maybe just a tiny bit disappointed. I wanted him to reply, even though I had no idea whatsoever what I would've said to continue the conversation. Would've depended a bit on what his reply was, of course, but no use in contemplating on that since he did not reply. Now all I wonder is: did he realize it was me writing him (we've never spoken that way, I just happened to find him there while browsing for people [and thinking way too much of him] last summer and so I added him on my friend's list, while I am not on his ... so it might just be that he just clicked me away as an unwanted message from someone not on his contact list, not even checking who it was ... I don't know!) and he did not want to talk to me? I guess I will never find anything out unless I talk to him IRL and I never get around to that. I mean, other than talking about work-related stuff. Damn, why does he have to be so cute? Why did I have to fall so badly for him and why did he have to walk away from my heart and leave it longing for him all the time?
And I dreamt about him again this morning ... Another one of those dreams where we're in the same place, I want to talk to him, but I never get a chance. No need for analyzing there - it's just the plain truth: I want to talk to him, but never get there ... and time just runs away and it's what? seven months since we went out for coffee together ... seven months since the conference ... seven months since my dreams were still alive and not shattered and here I am, still foolishly wishing it could be him and me ...
Why can't I just forget?
Ah, and yesterday I met the cutest guy on Earth - being of course, Alvin. He's adorable. Even though he was not really in a good mood yesterday, you can't help but love him. I wanted to take a photo of him when he was smiling (gorgeous!) or wearing his cute hat with giraffes on it, but the only time I managed to capture him without a blur was when he was asleep finally (and that sure wasn't for long!). But you can still have a look at the cutie here:
I am bored today. I tried to tidy, but mostly I just made more of a mess. Why do I always end up trying to tidy the drawers and cupboards and stuff? That is never a good idea ... When I try to get everything its own little space, I just end up with too little space to take all of my stuff. I really have too many things ... and too little space! I wanted to go for a walk in the sun earlier, but it turned out a very short one. Going for a walk on your own is very, very boring. I was just dying for company (and I seemed to see cute couples everywhere, which didn't exactly help)
Listening to: "The other side" by Evan
Currently reading: "Wolf brother" by Michelle Paver
"... di notte cerco in ogni stella il tuo riflesso ..."
I heard this line when listening to Laura's "Tra te ed il mare" album earlier, and they really stuck with me. Watching the stars is something that I like, although I seldom do it. It's not much used to do stragazing when you live in the city, you just don't see many. I did watch them a bit when we were at the cottage this weekend (but it was so cold outside that I really did not stay for long), but I realized that stargazing is yet another thing that I have to take away from M ... It is too related to him in my mind, even though we only did it once and only for a very short while. But standing there with him under the starlit sky (even though we were hardly alone, even though it felt that way) was a lot closer to my dreams than I ever thought I would come ... The fact that those beautiful dreams soon came crushing down is another story ... *sigh*
" ... you will always be the shadow of a doubt Now I go crazy wondering what we might have been ..."
I wish I could explain how I feel right now, but it's hard. I do feel a lot better than I've done in ages though, that much I can say. It felt really good Thursday to finally not react so much to his presence, his smile ... but I am still a long way from totally forgetting. It's a hard thing to do when there isn't anything else to distract you. Cissi keeps telling me I should not try to kill one "monster" with another, but it would probably work (it's not that I am really actively trying to find one though)... This said, I would still want it to be him, I can't help it. Or rather, what I most of all want is to know what happened, what went wrong ... How something that felt so right could turn out so wrong ... or rather not turn out anything at all ... leaving me in pain and crying for so long. But I should have asked him about that so long ago ... it is really too late now, I know ... and it hurts me. I am way too good at thinking "I will do that tomorrow" or "I just have to wait for the right moment", but the right moment to do something that is hard usually never comes, and suddenly you realize that so much time has passed while you were in some kind of black hole filled with pain, doubts and tears ...
" ... life was just what happened while we were busy making plans ..."
It is, is it not? We always seem to be looking forward to something, wanting something ... something other than what we've got here and now. Why is that? I once again have to realate to something that Amanda wrote once at 360! - "Happiness is being content with what you have". Why is that so hard? It shouldn't be!
I read a wonderful poem at sockerdricka today, and I think you should read it too! It's in Swedish though, so unless you're a Swede you might have problems understanding it. I still wanted to share it with you, cause it really spoke to me. This guy usually amazes me when he publishes poems, so ... I am not surprised!
Read the poem "Du ar som sotast nar jag ser dina brister" at Sockerdricka!
Personally I haven't written a single line of poetry lately ... I am so out of inspiration ... so what on Earth am I going to submit to the anthology? I guess I'll have to dig through some old stuff, cause I want to enter something ... even though it will make me utterly disappointed if they reject me again. Well, you can't have everything. And why is it that I always let everyone else read what I write and not the one who's causing me to write those poems, huh? That's a good question. Why are we so afraid to tell what we feel?
Listening to: "Den roda traden" by Bjorn Afzelius
Currently reading: "Velocity" by Dean Koontz
So, it's Easter soon ... or perhaps it is Eater already? We only work half day today. And for the last hour or so I can't claim to have worked very hard at all. There is nothing to do. The morning was a bit messy, but once we cleared that up it was pretty dead. Annie has gone home, I am all alone ... and yet I have nothing better to do than some blogging.
M asked me this morning what he was supposed to do if he had a problem after noon and there was noone here to answer the phone. Oh, he made it sound like there is always problems that he has to call about ... so far he's only called once this week, so I don't think it is that big a problem now, eh? Maybe I should've told him he could call me at home. Now that would have been interesting! Whatever. Today I kind of feel like "whatever, I don't care about him, so what that he is cute" ... let's pary the feeling will last. I so need that!
Oscar called me the little Easter chicken today. So what I wear a yellow skirt (and some feathers in my hair - as I promised Allan I would) - I am not a chicken! I had to borrow the skirt from Sofus though, as I really don't have any yellow clothes. Yellow is not my colour. Well, a skirt does not matter, but I still don't have a yellow one ... even though I have tons of skirts.
It's raining. According to the radio news yesterday the whole Easter would be rainy, according to the TV news it would not. I guess we will just have to wait and see. I really hope that it won't be raining all the time ... We're going to the cottage and it's really boring there unless you can go outside. I guess we will have to bring lots of books, just in case.
Easter kisses to all of you out there!
Listening to: Radio MixCity
Currently reading : "Deception point" by Dan Brown
(And some say there has been snow in the air today. Damn! I want spring, not more winter! And sister and I will be lazy and skip training today. Bad bad! But she was feeling a cold coming on, and my throat is a bit sore as well ...)