M looked so cute yesterday that I was almost knocked out. I can't explain what made him look cuter than on other days, but it must have been something. It's not like we spoke or anything, maybe we said hi, I don't remember. Lillen did most of the talking, as always! And I, of course, spoke mostly to Katta and Ida (except for Lillen then). It's always the most difficult to speak to the one person with whom you want to talk most of all, right? At least if you're not sure if he wants to talk to you ... Afterwards I so wished that I had blown him a kiss as I did so to Lillen (who was being annoying in the way only he can be and still be loved), but of course I did not. I'm never as courageous when he's actually around as I am when I think of what I want to do or should have done *sigh* Later in the day as I was talking to Lillen on the phone he was saying that he had come in to hug me the minute he saw me in the morning, and I was like "yes, it's a good thing that someone reacts that way when they see me" ... and he said something about that and then added that maybe I should've asked M for a hug. It felt very weird to talk about these things with him and pretend that it was pretty much as any topic to me ... I said I thought that he would probably have died or something if I did (to which he agreed). And I did not tell him how much I would actually have liked to do that *sigh* Like I said, it felt very strange to talk about M and hugs and whatever (or single guys risking to die early according to some article that L had read in the paper, which he had talked about with M he said ...)and pretend that it did not really matter. I care way too much about this guy, I know ... but where do I go from here? Why can't I just accept the fact that he does not want me and move on from there? Do I really need to hear him say it? (Damn yes! That would help so much. It would hurt, but it would help in the long run, I am sure!)
And why do I keep spilling all of these feelings out in blogs that could be read by just anyone? I thought I had enough of that back when A (and others) read every single word I wrote at lunarstorm ... but well, maybe I do have some secret hope that somehow he would?! Which is just crazy, cause I doubt he surfs the same sites that I do ... or that he would find me. Perhaps if he was looking for me, but that is hardly unlikely, right? Damn! Don't we all just have a certain need to be read? I miss having my lunardiary read by more people than the usual two really ... I would not mind having it read by strangers, it's the ones I know but don't share everything with (read: certain workmates)that bother me finally ... *sad smile*
This said, I would probably have wasted all of yesterday contemplating M and his cuteness if I hadn't been interrupted (just as I was starting to write an entry in my lunarstorm diary about how cute M was actually *smile*)in my thoughts by that cute sale's guy who was in a rather flirty mood and kept me chatting on the phone for at least twenty minutes. I know that it doesn't mean anything, but it felt good being flattered just the same. Especially since I know that he is cute. I remember him dropping by work to pick up some stuff at Lucia. He was kind of flirty then too (telling me I looked lovely with my white clothes and glitter in my hair), actually, and really cute! Anyway, he really cheered me up and I was in a really good mood for the rest of the day (and technically we have a date next Valborg holiday, as he told me he would take me to his hometown, which supposedly was the place to be to celebrate Valborg)... I think Lillen was very surprised when he called me and I answered "It's actually quite okay" to the question how things were. That's probably the most positive answer he's had from me since I don't know when!! It felt good to be in a good mood, haha!
Nina visited for a while yesterday and brought me a really cute belated birthday gift. This really cute Humphrey's corner stationary set:
I love it! Humphrey and his friends are so cute, and I've only seen them in cross-stitch charts before. I included the cute confetti (with bunnies!) that I got from Melyssa in one of the photos as well! *loving Sofus' digicam*
Anyway, I should try to get away from the computer. Which probably means going back to watching snooker (go Dott!) and continuing the endless work on my cross-stitching ... What an exciting life! Well, tomorrow at least I'm meeting with Camilla, which will be nice. Haven't met her IRL for over a year ... time passes too quickly! (But let's not get started on that topic tonight or this blog entry will really be endless!)
Listening to: "Back to Bedlam" by James Blunt
Currently reading: "Scaredy cat" by Mark Billingham