One night ...

Thursday, 27 April 2006 18:51

 "... One night with you Is what I'm now praying for The things that we two could plan Would make my dreams come true ..."

I so should not be sitting by the computer again. I have way too much of that at work, and right now my entire body seems to be in pain, but mostly my lower arms, of course. It's really driving me crazy. Honestly, what can you do that does not strain your arms? Pretty much nothing ... especially not the things that I like to do, such as writing or cross-stitching and stuff like that. I've had these problems for so long now, and you get used to it somehow ... but now it's really getting worse. I don't want to be back at what it was a few years back when I had to take sick leave finally cause I just couldn't stand it anymore ... *sigh* Let's hope that it won't come to that. It's a good thing I will have vacations soon ... believe it's only three more weeks of work left now. Then Melyssa will come here. Wow! Surreal, for sure! And I really, really hope that the weather will be better by then ... cause what we've had so far this year has not been fun ...

"... Just call my name And I'll be right by your side I want your sweet helping hand My loves too strong to hide ..."

This week is really long and slow. That's usually the case when one has to work a whole week after some weeks have been shortened by holidays, no? There is still another day to go, and I am tired to the bone. Holidays tend to mess things up at work pretty bad, so we're all stressed out. Monday is off too. It's nice to have extra days off, of course, but they make so much trouble at work that sometimes it hardly feels worth it. The funniest thing happening at work today must have been this morning when Kari called and then all the drivers were shouting "good morning". That's an interesting start to your day, no? I couldn't help but smile when Kari told me he just wanted to let me know that he, Lillen, Magnus and Thomas were all sitting down there and Jarmo was loading his truck - just so that I shouldn't wonder where they were. Haha! I can't say that I was wondering, but who cares? Someone making you smile in the morning is always something! (*trying not to get lost in a daydream where I would actually wake to M's beautiful smile in the morning [and wondering if he does smile in the morning, as he does not seem to be one of those people who "rise and shine"]*)

"... Always lived, very quiet life I ain't never did no wrong Now I know that life without you Has been too lonely too long ..."

I decided to nominate this poem for the Sockerdricka anthology finally:

Read the poem "Augustilangtan" at Sockerdricka!

It really wasn't easy to chose one, so I decided to go for the one that I've had most positive response to at the site. I am not that active there, so I usually don't get too many comments, as usually the ones who have tons of comments are those who have many friends in the community. Anyway, now I will just have to wait and see if they will choose to publish my poem or not. I have no idea how many poems are submitted anyway ... I believe there was going to be 250 poems in the book or something. Whatever. I don't like to translate poems, and this one isn't exactly the easiest one, but I will try, for the sake of those of you who don't speak Swedish ...

August longing
The late summer sun penetrate like spears through heavy grey authumn clouds
warms my skin to longing and I tremble
Your eyes whisper to me through nights thick with dreams
wrap me up in sapphire-shimmering velvet
Starlit skies sparkle in your smile
that I have missed through eternal seconds of emptiness
Would you give me your hands to caress
in the first blooming of the dew of dawn?
(Anna 050826)

It's dedicated to M, of course, who else? Damn! His smile is really the most beautiful thing!

"... One night with you Is what I'm now praying for The things that we two could plan Would make my dreams come true ..."

And I will never be able to understand how I can feel that destiny is calling when meeting hi eyes and yet be so wrong ... How can he not feel the electricity when we're in the same room? How could all those smiles, silly words that said nothing but felt heavy with meaning ... how could the mean nothing? That is truly a mystery ... and I go crazy contemplating it, for sure!

Jesper and Nasse making out on the sofa! We found them like this one day ... it means something to me only because my sister calles me Nasse sometimes and M's colleagues call him Jesper ... 

Listening to: "Legendary Elvis"
Currently reading: "Scaredy cat" by Mark Billingham


Monday, 17 April 2006 18:57

"... di notte cerco in ogni stella il tuo riflesso ..."
(Laura Pausini)
I heard this line when listening to Laura's "Tra te ed il mare" album earlier, and they really stuck with me. Watching the stars is something that I like, although I seldom do it. It's not much used to do stragazing when you live in the city, you just don't see many. I did watch them a bit when we were at the cottage this weekend (but it was so cold outside that I really did not stay for long), but I realized that stargazing is yet another thing that I have to take away from M ... It is too related to him in my mind, even though we only did it once and only for a very short while. But standing there with him under the starlit sky (even though we were hardly alone, even though it felt that way) was a lot closer to my dreams than I ever thought I would come ... The fact that those beautiful dreams soon came crushing down is another story ... *sigh*

" ... you will always be the shadow of a doubt Now I go crazy wondering what we might have been ..."
(Richard Marx)
I wish I could explain how I feel right now, but it's hard. I do feel a lot better than I've done in ages though, that much I can say. It felt really good Thursday to finally not react so much to his presence, his smile ... but I am still a long way from totally forgetting. It's a hard thing to do when there isn't anything else to distract you. Cissi keeps telling me I should not try to kill one "monster" with another, but it would probably work (it's not that I am really actively trying to find one though)... This said, I would still want it to be him, I can't help it. Or rather, what I most of all want is to know what happened, what went wrong ... How something that felt so right could turn out so wrong ... or rather not turn out anything at all ... leaving me in pain and crying for so long. But I should have asked him about that so long ago ... it is really too late now, I know ... and it hurts me. I am way too good at thinking "I will do that tomorrow" or "I just have to wait for the right moment", but the right moment to do something that is hard usually never comes, and suddenly you realize that so much time has passed while you were in some kind of black hole filled with pain, doubts and tears ...

" ... life was just what happened while we were busy making plans ..."
(Bon Jovi)
It is, is it not? We always seem to be looking forward to something, wanting something ... something other than what we've got here and now. Why is that? I once again have to realate to something that Amanda wrote once at 360! - "Happiness is being content with what you have". Why is that so hard? It shouldn't be!

I read a wonderful poem at sockerdricka today, and I think you should read it too! It's in Swedish though, so unless you're a Swede you might have problems understanding it. I still wanted to share it with you, cause it really spoke to me. This guy usually amazes me when he publishes poems, so ... I am not surprised!
Read the poem "Du ar som sotast nar jag ser dina brister" at Sockerdricka!
Personally I haven't written a single line of poetry lately ... I am so out of inspiration ... so what on Earth am I going to submit to the anthology? I guess I'll have to dig through some old stuff, cause I want to enter something ... even though it will make me utterly disappointed if they reject me again. Well, you can't have everything. And why is it that I always let everyone else read what I write and not the one who's causing me to write those poems, huh? That's a good question. Why are we so afraid to tell what we feel?

Listening to: "Den roda traden" by Bjorn Afzelius
Currently reading: "Velocity" by Dean Koontz



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