Feeling lost
Wednesday, 3 December 2003 10:35![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
belovedpigletAnother grey day in the city, another day when I’m feeling like a zombie. I feel like I never really wake up, like I walk through life half asleep. It’s not difficult to stay partly asleep these days when the sun never seems to rise for real, when it’s dark when you leave home in the morning and dark when you leave work in the afternoon. After a while you get the feeling that your whole life is dark too, I guess that’s only natural… I wish we could at least get some snow… I know, snow causes a lot of trouble and it usually makes it difficult to bike and all that, but at least it’s white and shiny (for a while) and I could really need that now! But according to the weather people on TV and in the newspaper we’re not likely to get snow anytime soon and it probably won’t be a white Christmas *sigh* I think I should migrate to Canada after all… winter is real over there *s* Perhaps a bit too real at times, but still that must be better than eternal greyness, right?
I am feeling utterly unsocial these days… still I can’t stand to be alone. Most people just get on my nerves, and I am just too tired to keep up the charade of being nice to everyone. I still do my best, I don’t want to be rude, but I try to avoid those people who irritate me if I can… unfortunately that can be rather difficult when those are people that you work with every day. Right now L is really getting on my nerves with everything she does or says… She is often quite annoying since she’s got a way of being louder than everyone else and you can’t have a discussion with her (unless you and her agree, and then there’s no real discussion, right?) even though she always claims that she approves of other people not sharing her ideas… and she kind of thinks that she is so damned good when that’s not always true… those people can be so annoying, right? Most of the time I can take it, but in certain periods I just can’t… I sometimes wish I was the kind of person who could just blow up and yell at everyone who disturbs me, but that’s just not me… I’m still that quiet little mouse *sigh*
I don’t get anywhere with anything lately… not with the book I’m reading (“The satanic verses” by Salman Rushdie) even though it’s really interesting… not with my French studies… not with my cleaning… not with my cross-stitch project (well, with that one perhaps I am getting a little bit on the way)… of course not with my non-existing love life and not with my life… I feel like I am standing in the same spot, or going in circles or something… I feel empty… I feel hopeless… I feel like I’ve lost all of my dreams… I used to think that love was the meaning of life and that if I could not get loved in return at least I could feel alive as long as I was in love… but where is love? I’ve not even been in love for years now, it feels… and yes, that makes me feel empty… I feel lost and forgotten… I know that my life is better than the lives of so many people out there in the world, but I still can’t say that I am happy… and I don’t even know what to do about it *sigh*
And I realized for sure the other day that if no one will come with me I will never go to Canada… I would never find the courage to go alone. Our boss came to me, Ida and Katarina and said that he wanted one of us to go to Stockholm next week to attend some meeting about changes which are going to affect our work in the future (learning new stuff that we’re supposed to do when there are changes in prize and stuff) and neither of us really wanted to go, as it would mean we would have to fly to Stockholm all alone and find that place where the meeting was held and such… and I must say I really panicked at the idea of having to do that! It feels stupid to admit it, but it’s true… As no one wanted to go, we did a little lottery and Ida had to go finally… I was so damned relieved it really made me feel like an idiot. Anna, grow up! You’ll have to do things on your own one day or the other! But I’m such a coward *sigh*
I am feeling utterly unsocial these days… still I can’t stand to be alone. Most people just get on my nerves, and I am just too tired to keep up the charade of being nice to everyone. I still do my best, I don’t want to be rude, but I try to avoid those people who irritate me if I can… unfortunately that can be rather difficult when those are people that you work with every day. Right now L is really getting on my nerves with everything she does or says… She is often quite annoying since she’s got a way of being louder than everyone else and you can’t have a discussion with her (unless you and her agree, and then there’s no real discussion, right?) even though she always claims that she approves of other people not sharing her ideas… and she kind of thinks that she is so damned good when that’s not always true… those people can be so annoying, right? Most of the time I can take it, but in certain periods I just can’t… I sometimes wish I was the kind of person who could just blow up and yell at everyone who disturbs me, but that’s just not me… I’m still that quiet little mouse *sigh*
I don’t get anywhere with anything lately… not with the book I’m reading (“The satanic verses” by Salman Rushdie) even though it’s really interesting… not with my French studies… not with my cleaning… not with my cross-stitch project (well, with that one perhaps I am getting a little bit on the way)… of course not with my non-existing love life and not with my life… I feel like I am standing in the same spot, or going in circles or something… I feel empty… I feel hopeless… I feel like I’ve lost all of my dreams… I used to think that love was the meaning of life and that if I could not get loved in return at least I could feel alive as long as I was in love… but where is love? I’ve not even been in love for years now, it feels… and yes, that makes me feel empty… I feel lost and forgotten… I know that my life is better than the lives of so many people out there in the world, but I still can’t say that I am happy… and I don’t even know what to do about it *sigh*
And I realized for sure the other day that if no one will come with me I will never go to Canada… I would never find the courage to go alone. Our boss came to me, Ida and Katarina and said that he wanted one of us to go to Stockholm next week to attend some meeting about changes which are going to affect our work in the future (learning new stuff that we’re supposed to do when there are changes in prize and stuff) and neither of us really wanted to go, as it would mean we would have to fly to Stockholm all alone and find that place where the meeting was held and such… and I must say I really panicked at the idea of having to do that! It feels stupid to admit it, but it’s true… As no one wanted to go, we did a little lottery and Ida had to go finally… I was so damned relieved it really made me feel like an idiot. Anna, grow up! You’ll have to do things on your own one day or the other! But I’m such a coward *sigh*
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