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Thursday, 27 November 2008 21:14

I am truly dead tired! This week feels so full of stress, somehow. We had an office meeting after work today, and those things always stress me out. Not so much during them as before them, though. I really don't like conflicts and stuff like that, and meetings always end with discussions. It's not that our meetings are even that bad, I think. I can't say for sure though, as I've never been to staff meetings at other places ... but somehow there is always some underlying aggression, especially from some people. We don't really have any major problems at work, but some people make every little thing huge, and get upset about pretty much everything. It's tiring. I mean, sure, I get irritated at my colleagues at times too, but the way I see it, one has to weigh the negative effects of nagging about things against the importance that those things ... and most things aren't worth any fuss. Also, one should try to shake things off ... the only thing that happens if you keep thinking about irritating things forever and keeping grudge with people is that you fill yourself with negative emotions and hurt yourself. It's usually better to just let things pass, unless they are real problems, no? Anyway, the meeting wasn't that bad ... it was just long (almost three hours) and in the end we didn't say much that we haven't said a zillion times before ...

When I got home (tired from biking against the wind in the dark) I forced myself to not sit down to relax and then not be able to get up again for the rest of the evening, but I started tidying and cleaning the hall. I take the apartment one room at the time. The hall is, of course, the easiest to tidy, as there isn't that much stuff there ... But it's also a bit boring, as there isn't much to do to it when it comes to decorations. I did a little bit of cleaning in the bath room too, but still have work to do there ... and I have the kitchen and bedroom left to tidy - the worst rooms. The kitchen is still better than the bedroom ... Had it just been a bedroom and nothing else, it might not have been so bad ... but since it's the room where I keep my desk, my deco stuff, my magazines, a lot of teddies, my journals, papers etc ... Well, I think you get the picture! It has a tendency to get very, very messy.

Work is a bit stressful at the moment too ... Not that we have an extreme amount of calls to answer - even though we've been short of staff most of the week, due to people being ill - but because they've given us lists of customers that we're supposed to call to check if they're interested in buying some of the new articles we've got in stock at a discount. I usually don't have too much problems calling customers from work, in spite of my phone phobia, as it's somehow different when it's the company calling rather than me ... but this type of calls is way outside my comfort zone. I truly hate phone calls from sale's persons myself, and know just how annoying they are. It might be a bit different when you get them as part of your work instead of at home, in your free time, but still ... I can't lose the feeling of disturbing people, know what I mean?

And French class yesterday was a bit depressing. Well, most of it was nice, as usual, but ... In the current chapter, we're supposed to learn the difference between "que" and "qui" and well ... It's not that I don't understand the difference; I could even tell the rule for when to use which, that one is used for a subject and one is used for an object, but ... it ends there. I never was any good at syntax, and when it comes down to actually deciding whether the word alluded is a subject or an object, I get lost. Not when it is a really simple sentence with just one verb, but when there are more than one and ... argh! I get so frustrated I could cry. It makes me feel so stupid! But it's really not a new problem ... already back in 7th or 8th grade when we were studying this in Swedish class I remember bursting into tears when I was doing the homework together with my mom ... I just don't get it, and I doubt that I ever will ... especially since most of the time it doesn't make that much difference to a Swedish sentence ... I guess that I will just have to pray that the ear that I have for language can help me get it right anyway. It has happened before :smile: I never was a grammar wizard, but I tend to get it right rather by having a feeling that "this sounds right" than knowing the actual rule ... This said, if anyone thinks that he/she could teach me to do the syntax thing, you're welcome to try;) Beyond telling what's subject and predicate in a simple sentence like "Le lapin est joli", I am truly lost! I think my frustration might have amused Pierre a bit though.P:

Hm, I think I will treat myself to an episode of "NCIS" now and then go to bed. It'd be good if I got up a bit earlier tomorrow than I did this morning ... Oh, but first I just have to mention this really silly e-mail that I got from the page yesterday. This guy had written "Hello. Would you be able to write an analysis of Jago or Othello in the book "Othello". That would be very nice of you. If you have the time, could it be ready some time next week. Thank you!" What? Does he honestly think that I would do his school work for him? *shakes head* Why on Earth would I do that? People! They never cease to amaze me! But perhaps I should take it as a compliment, as he must have found my book blog good, eh? Perhaps I am mean, but my thought was rather that he'd contacted anyone who wrote about books at all ... especially since he actually misspelled the word 'book' in his e-mail. I would guess that he was the kind of kid who never read a book his entire life and does not intend to do so just because some teacher tells him too. But honestly ... how can people live without books?

Our dear friend Mu turned 30 today! She asked us to go out with her to have drinks and dinner (we ended up at Cyrano, on Prinsgatan, which was a nice place), so we did. I was a bit stressed out as I had not planned to go into town today, and had to bike home, change clothes and run to the bus, but apart from that it was really nice! I guess that I am not really good at doing things spontaneously, but when one does it's usually nice. Since we were four girls out and we had cosmopolitans, we felt a lot like SATC. And there was a lot of girl talk, of course :wink: I am pretty sure that guys don't want to know just how much girls talk about them! And Mu does not seem to mind turning thirty. No age crisis. That is good :smile:

I wouldn't say that I had any particular age crisis when turning thirty either, even though I certainly feel like time is running away from me sometimes. I guess no one really dreams of being single at thirty. Or of still not being sure what one wants to do with one's life. But when it comes to age crisis, I think turning twenty-five was worse, for some reason. Otherwise the only time I can remember (if I really do remember it, or remember it just because I've been told about it, I don't know for sure) when I was really upset about a birthday was when I turned six. I was so disappointed when I woke up that morning and hadn't grown at all. :smile: Isn't it weird, really, how we spend most of our childhood and adolescent years wanting to be older and then the rest of our lives wishing we were younger? That's so typically human - always wanting something else than what we've got! I know a lot of people who say that the years around thirty are the best, though ... but I guess that depends a lot on where you find yourself at that age. I think that opinion is mostly based on life being stable at that age, somehow. Like my mom, she had been together with dad since she was nineteen, they lived together, were married and had two kids by the time she turned thirty. Me, I don't know. What do I have? A job. That's pretty much the only grown-up and stable thing about me. If a job can be considered stable in these times of financial crisis ... Hm. But then again, who can say if I would've been happy if I had all the things that I think that I want from life?

Today was a very slow day at work. If I thought we would have lots to do because we were a bit short of staff in the afternoon, I was wrong. When I started working, Monday was almost our busiest day, but these days it's rather quiet. I kept myself occupied for most of the time before lunch, but the afternoon was SLOW and time passed at a painfully slow pace. Ah well, perhaps there will be more to do tomorrow! One never knows before hand ...

I should probably go to bed. I was dead tired this morning ... BUT I should've gotten out of bed the first time the alarm went of, of course. Why don't I ever do that? One is usually less tired the first time one wakes than when one has hit the snooze button a few times. Somehow staying in bed in the morning is way too tempting P: I guess that I will never be a morning person, but I think it's really unfair that it's so easy to fall asleep at all times when one is not supposed to sleep and so hard to do it when it's bed time. Sweet dreams, folks!

Go to your LJ calendar/archives and find the first entry for each month of 2006 (not including memes). Post the first line(s) of it in your journal for each month and that's your "Year In Review".

(I wouldn't say that this is very informative about my 2006, but whatever!)

January: (no entry)
February: (no entry except a questionnaire thing)
March: Wouldn't it be just lovely to find someone who swept you off your feet?April: So, what is there to say? No matter how much I intend to talk to M, it never works out once he's here.
May: Yep.
Graeme Dott won the World Championship of snooker.
June: So ... here I am, meaning to write something about my vacations and anything else that might come into mind.
July: It's another very warm day in Goteborg.
August: I am extremely bored!
September: I should write something, but I am so out of words these days. Too many things on my mind, and too much confusion in my heart
October: You might not think so, but I am still alive. I am sorry for not having posted anything here in a very long time, but life has kept me rather busy.
November: It is winter in Sweden at the moment.
December: It’s Saturday night and I feel lonely.

As seen in the journals of [profile] denimcoffeeand [profile] aunt_sophie; just to keep you busy until I write a real entry ...


+ Known as: Anna

+ Born: April 9, 1978

+ Hair color: Reddish

+ Eye Color: Greenbrownorangeish


+ Fallen off the bed?: Some time when I was a kid …

+ Had your heart broken?: Eh … too many times.

+ Had a dream come true?: Sort of.


+ Wearing: Red skirt, beige knitted sweater

+ Listening to: Radio MixCity and office sounds

+ Chatting with: No one right now

+ Should really be doing: Tidying my desk, perhaps?


+ Have any piercings: Only my ears

+ Drive: Occasionally, but not often

+ Drink: Alcohol? Not often.

+ Have a cell phone: Yes


+ Hugged: Sofia

+ IMed: What's that? *ignorant*

+ Talked with on the phone: A customer … privately it would be Magnus

+ Text: SMS? Magnus again …


+ What do you want to be when you grow up?: Happy :)

+ What comes first in your life?: My family, I guess.

+ What do you usually think about before you go to bed?: Too much. I tend to have trouble falling asleep because of this …


+ Show: the x-files

+ Store: Depends on what I want to buy at the moment, but I love book and stationary stores

+ Color: Too hard to choose just one!


+ Like to give hugs: I love hugging!

+ Like to walk in the rain: If I am properly dressed, yes.

+ Sleep on your side: Yes

+ Have stuffed animals: Tonz of them!


+ Pierced nose or tongue: Nose

+ MTV or BET: MTV (don't know the other)

+ 7th Heaven or Dawsons Creek: Dawson's Creek (have not seen the other)

+ Chocolate or flowers: Depends … I prefer to EAT chocolate ;)

+ Color or black-and-white photos: Colour

+ Stay up late or sleep in: Sleep in

+ Hot or cold: Depends on the occasion ;)

+ Sun or moon: I prefer the sun at day and the moon at night, thank you ;)

+ Left or Right: Depends … if we're talking politics it's left, but I am right handed for example

+ 10 Acquaintances or two best friends: 2 best friends

+ Spring or Fall: Spring

+ Happy or sad: Wouldn't anyone prefer to be happy?

+ Wonder or amazement: Amazement


First self purchased CD: Curtis Stigers

First pet: Never had any pet

First piercing/tattoo: Ears, obviously


Last time you cried: Few weeks ago, thinking of grandma who died in 1995

Last phone call: Been on the phone all day with customers …


Current mood: Tired, but otherwise okay

Current food: Had lasagna for lunch

Current hair: A braid

Current annoyance(s): The weather, perhaps?


1. Made you smile last? Magnus, probably, telling me how he longed to be with me ;)

2. Has seen you cry? My sister, I guess


1. Be serious or be funny? Depends on the situation, I guess.

2. Drink whole or skim milk? Whole :)

3. Spend time with your parents or enemies? Parents, obviously!


1. Do you prefer gray or black? Black

2. Lust or love? Love

3. Sunrise or sunset? Sunset (I really prefer not to be awake at sunrise, thank you!)

4. M&M's or skittles? M&M's


1. Do you like anyone? Would be depressing not to like ANYONE, right?;)

2. Do you believe in love at first sight? Not really … interest at first sight, yes, but that is not LOVE even though it can become just that over time …

3. Do you miss someone right now? Well, I wouldn't mind to snuggle a bit with M *s*

(Since everyone seem to be doing this, why should I be original?!)

Please fill this in...

1. Name:
2. Age/Birthday:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song:
6. Favorite Band/Rapper/Artist:
7. Favorite Book/Comic Book:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Favorite TV Show:
10. Favorite Video Game/Board Game:
11. Do we know each other outside of Livejournal?
12. Would you give me a kidney?
13. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
14. If you could change anything about your current life, would you?
15. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?
16. Post a picture of you!



Tuesday, 9 May 2006 13:47

me 060505

It's really, really hot outside. At least if you're sitting in the sun and there is no wind, like where we sat during lunch. The sun is really strong, I feel a slight tinge in my skin now … and I look like a fried pig or something. Sun really doesn't do me much good; I wish I could get a gorgeous tan … but well, it's still nice that summer has finally arrived. I think it will feel better when we bike home, as then there will be a bit of wind too. I'm planning on going to town with Nina after work and grab a sallad or something and just watch people stroll by and enjoy the good weather. I hope that she doesn't change her mind (she was a bit hesitating at first, since she wasn't in a particularly good mood - but that is even more reason not to just sit at home and feel sorry for oneself, right?) cause I think that I would get depressed sitting alone at home (Sofus is meeting with her friend Ewelina). It's that kind of day. That, or I would fall asleep and ruin the night's sleep. And I do not have a heart for being melancholic tonight … Eh, do I ever?

M's smile is still haunting me. I am so stupid, I just can't stop myself from analyzing every gaze (is it neutral? not caring? interested?). Why do I even bother? Or rather: Why couldn't he had told me straight out that he wasn't interested back then? Then I would have known, no need to contemplate. That would have helped me so much. Hurt, yes, but helped still. He's so damn pretty … it bothers me. *thinking about the DM song "I want you now" suddenly* I wish I could just tell him just how beautiful he is in my eyes. Whatever good that would do. It would still feel good, somehow. That is, if I would ever be able to find the words …

I am really such a mess! 
(and yet I am doing much better now than the last seven months, or whatever it might be)

Listening to: Radio MixCity
Currently reading: "The windsingers" by Megan Lindholm

Cats, cats, cats!

Monday, 8 May 2006 11:39

It's just another manic Monday. Or perhaps not. Right now I am not that busy, although the morning was a bit messy, of course. Since Annie comes in later, I had to do both her and my job, so … But it's not that bad. It's just for the first hour or so, and the phone doesn't ring much then. The morning was a bit quiet and slow, though, since Lillen wasn't here. I do miss him when he's not around. Th was the first to arrive and then there seemed to be no sign of the other drivers for a while (even though Th said he knew that Magnus was in the building), so we felt a bit lost and abandoned. Even Helen arrived before the other drivers showed up! But when Kari arrived there was a bit of noise, of course *blink* And just as I was going upstairs to have breakfast Tony called and wanted me to let him in … which was a bit messy to, as Bjorn had parked his Smart car where Tony usually puts his truck. Well, Kari managed to move it finally (after spending quite some time figuring out how to start the damn thing), so … Everything was alright in the end, and I could have breakfast!

M has already called me twize today; about a customer who was not in her shop when she was supposed to. Well, she showed up while he was talking to me, but whatever. It feels weird to speak to him like that. It always does, doesn't it, talking about work-related stuff when there is so much else in your heart that you would like to say. Damn! He never seems to stop getting to me, does he? When he called the second time I so much wanted to tell him "Oh, I feel popular today" or something else silly (like "I thought you did not want to talk on the phone with me?") … or perhaps tell him not to curse so much, which he did. That really isn't attractive, if you ask me. (Well, I doubt that he cares what I find attractive, but whatever!) I would be so much better off if I could just get him off my mind, no? But he does not help me … Like this morning when he asked me for the telephone number to a customer and wondered if they would really be there at that hour etc and then he smiles (that smile! It kills me every time!) and says "Otherwise I will call you, you know that". Yeah, right. What am I supposed to say to that? "You can call me anytime you like" was the answer I wanted to give him …

I am beginning to feel that I don't know what to say about this mess in my heart anymore … What am I supposed to do?

Like I said last time, we spent the weekend at Nina's … or at least a part of it. Since she works extra during the weekend, we arrived only after 2pm on Satruday and left slightly before 11am on Sunday. But it was still nice. The weather was lovely, so we could spend time outside - great for my allergy, since that meant less time around the cats. We barbecued (but the store was out of corn *sigh*), went for a walk, hanged out in the sun … Summer is really great, no? 

Stina * Froken Boppan * Berit

Otherwise nothing much happened yesterday … Sofus and I went for a walk (without seeing any interesting animals, this time), read in the sun on our balcony, watched the most boring soccer game ever on TV (Lecce vs Chievo 0-0), did some cross-stitching, watched two episodes of "MacGyver" … and that's about it.

So, now it's Monday again, and I feel kind of tired. Nina borrowed me a book about sleep, and I read yesterday that it does not matter so much if we sleep all of our required six to nine hours at the same time, or in smaller pieces, as long as we had at least one three hour period … and as long as we slept between four and seven in the morning. No wonder that most people are tired then - how many per cent of the working population (or pupils/students) get to sleep until seven? I got up at 05:10 this morning. The book said that around five in the morning was the worst hour to be awake; we are more likely to make mistakes or bad judgements at that hour and our body temperature is usually one degree lower than normal. Shortly, we are supposed to be asleep at that hour. Feels good to know, eh? There is a reason why it feels all wrong to get up that early in the morning. This said, it is a lot easier to get up when there is sun outside …

Listening to: Radio MixCity
Currently reading: "The windsingers" by Megan Lindholm

I meant to write an entry about spring yesterday and therefor Sofus, dad and I went outside to take some photos of flowers and such. But while we were out I got a sms from Sofia, who wanted us to come over, so I never got around to writing the entry finally. That's why I am here today instead. It's a bad idea, though, to sit indoors by the computer, freezing my hands off as always, while the sun is shining outside. I'll try not to stick around for too long, finally. But our little photo trip was quite interesting, we even saw a deer that did not seem to mind too much that the whole area around Apslatten was crowded with people. 

It's obvious by just going for a short walk how much people have been looking forward to spring this year. We always do, of course, but this year more than any, I believe. Usually there are signs of spring before May, after all. Now it's suddenly very warm and sunny. We had 23 degrees or something yesterday. Really lovely. Katta, Karin and I brought our lunches outside yesterday and spent the whole lunch hour in the sun - lovely! The sun was very strong, and we looked like tomatoes afterwards. Bjorn even laughed when he saw us. We totally need this now, some warmth and sun - it's been too long. Like I've said before in my journals, sometimes this winter I've felt like I've forgotten what it's like to feel warm ... But I guess that was a psychological thing as well as a physical one, eh?!

Sofia, Anders and Andreas (+ little Alvin) was having a little barbecue when we arrived. Nothing fancy, just hot dogs ... but the smell of barbecue was in the air from many gardens yesterday, and that sure is a nice sign of spring/summer. Since Sofus and I had already had dinner we just joined in as company. We were delighted to see little Alvin again, of course, and it was nice to spend the evening outside in their little garden, chatting. Vicki and Rasmus arrived later too. But well, it's not July, and we ended up rather chilled in the end ... On our way home Sofus and I met a hedgehog, which was kind of cool. We tried to photograph it, of course, but it was really dark outside so the photos didn't turn out well. We probably scared the poor cutie, though. 

After the night chill it was a nice thing to jump into a warm bed and sleep for a while ... I think I even fell asleep right away, which is a blessing - it does not happen to me very often. I really do appreciate it when I fall asleep without lying awake for hours first, contemplating things that would be better left forgotten or ignored ...

M really haunted my mind throughout the day though, as he looked particularly cute again yesterday. Don't ask me to explain what does it, but some days he gets to me more than others ... When our eyes met at some point I felt that familiar connection, the one that says to my heart "the two of you belong together", but I suppose that he does not feel it ... Argh! Sometimes I just want to yell to him. "Do you even know how beautiful you are or what you do to my heart?", but of course I do not. Or I would like to quote Depeche Mode and tell him "don't say you're happy out there without me I know you can't be". It's really weird (as I've stated so many times before) that you can feel so strongly that you belong together with someone, while the other person does not feel it ... the same thing for the electricity that you can sense in a room when you're both in it. So crazy. Damn! I would so much want to be the one to make him happy, make him smile that fabulous smile ...

Anyway, I really should not sit here in front of the computer, freezing, while the sun is shining outside. Think I'll join Sofus on the balcony instead. Later, we're going over to Nina's place ... so I guess that it's not unlikely you'll all get to see pictures of cats the next time I write here. Until then, have a nice weekend in the sun and be careful with your hearts!

Listening to: "Violator" by Depeche Mode
Currently reading: "Siddhartha" by Hermann Hesse

"... Wishing you were here Leaning on my shoulder A heavy rain is closing in Staring at the sky Waiting for salvation Another day will soon begin ..."

Yawn! What a busy day this has been. The morning was really messy. Katta was held up by something around breakfast time so I was kind of doing both our jobs for a while and a lot of things were happening all at once. Including M calling, which didn't exactly help me when my mind was already busy. It's very interesting how nice and chatty (work-related, of course!) he always is when he calls on the phone, while he hardly even said hi this morning. He sort of got on my nerves, cause he always seems so eager to point out how good he is, how careful about work etc. Yes, it is a good quality, and I like that about him, but there is no need to brag about it, right? Well, in a way I suppose that it is a positive sign that he does get on my nerves. Probably means that there is a chance I can get over him, right? But damn, he's so cute. Still, he effects me less than he used to, which is good. But I won't say too much, as I've thought like that before, and as late as last Friday again I almost felt knocked-down by his cuteness … These things are never easy! I just hope that it won't end in that awful empty feeling that sometimes catches me … I am so sick of feeling blue!

"... When the sun dries the rain And glitters through the trees I'll gaze at you With the winds you are gone my love ..."

Argh! We have a meeting this afternoon. So boring! Especially since I would be off at three if we didn't and now I have to wait until the meeting begins at four, and will end at six, if we're lucky. Sure, I do get paid for this hour of waiting also, but it still sucks. I want to go home. The weather is lovely and I would much rather sit on the balcony or something. We went outside during the lunch break and it was really lovely. Even the wind was a bit warm. Cosy. Seems like spring is finally here for real. All that's missing is a bit of "spring feelings", and someone to share them with, of course.

"... Watching how the shades Linger in the morning I can't escape the ghost of you I can hear your voice Calling in the distance I know you're feeling lonely too ..."

Speaking of which, the cute sale's guy (who is called Johan, by the way) was here yesterday, like I wrote last time. Indeed he is cute. If nothing else he is so charming that you have to adore him. I just try to remember that it is part of his work to be charming, and not be too effected. That can be hard sometimes, though. I ended up giving him a tour of our building, as he wanted to have the new price list and we keep them upstairs + they were hidden away in a store room. Well, I didn't mind at all *big smile* since it meant that he hung around for a while; and he didn't seem to mind much either. I was all giggly afterwards, so he surely effected me, no matter my good intentions not to let him, and I can hardly remember what we spoke about. (But isn't it good that someone else can make me feel that way, not just M? Cause for so long now, no one seemed to have effect on me but him.) Let's hope that he shows up again some time soon. I would like that. Woah. Cute guys can be so addictive, right? *blink* [And in my wildest dreams I would, of course, dare to ask him out and he would accept and it would all be so good. Haha! And everyone who knows me knows that I would never dare that at all, and if I did it would still end bad … It's not like I ever say all the things I mean to say to M, right?]

"... But the trees will fall someday So I must let you fade away When the sun dries the rain ... "
(lyrics by Evan)

Listening to: "Do what you're told" by Sebastian
Currently reading: "Siddhartha" by Hermann Hesse


Dott is champion!

Tuesday, 2 May 2006 17:17

Graeme Dott won the World Championship of snooker
Well done, Dott! You deserved it! 

And no, I did not stay up all night to watch it. Apparently the game ended at 2:40 am ... wether or not that was UK time or CET, I don't know, but I am glad that I did not try to stay awake for the whole game. (I went to bed at around 23:00)

Today was a totally okay day at work. M seemed to be in a really bad mood this morning, but luckily that did not effect me. Nor anyone else, I think, cause most people seemed to be in a good mood today. (Except perhaps that grumpy customer that hung up in my ear, but let's not care about her, she obviosly had a bad day) Actually M being in a bad mood is sort of good (even though I do not wish him anything bad - on the contrary!), cause then he is not as cute as he usually is - ergo, my heart is better off!

Speaking of which, the cute sale's guy will probably come by tomorrow to pick up some things, so maybe I'll meet him. Would be interesting to see if he's as cute as I remember from December ...

This said, I am hungry and Sofus will soon have the dinner ready so this will just be a very short  entry.

... the teddy version of Dott ...


Humphrey's corner

Saturday, 29 April 2006 21:03
 I just had a cup of strawberry tea and some wafers and now I am all warm. I always get very warm when I drink tea. Probably a good thing, as I was getting cold from sitting by the computer. I don't know why, but I always seem to get cold when I sit here ... especially my hands. I doubt that it is very good for my hands to get cold like that. Considering that they already suffer from the mere fact that I am by the computer, I mean ... Hopefully they will be better off next week when I am not by the phone/computer taking orders from customers all day ... The next two weeks will be better for my hands and worse for my heart then *sigh*

M looked so cute yesterday that I was almost knocked out. I can't explain what made him look cuter than on other days, but it must have been something. It's not like we spoke or anything, maybe we said hi, I don't remember. Lillen did most of the talking, as always! And I, of course, spoke mostly to Katta and Ida (except for Lillen then). It's always the most difficult to speak to the one person with whom you want to talk most of all, right? At least if you're not sure if he wants to talk to you ... Afterwards I so wished that I had blown him a kiss as I did so to Lillen (who was being annoying in the way only he can be and still be loved), but of course I did not. I'm never as courageous when he's actually around as I am when I think of what I want to do or should have done *sigh* Later in the day as I was talking to Lillen on the phone he was saying that he had come in to hug me the minute he saw me in the morning, and I was like "yes, it's a good thing that someone reacts that way when they see me" ... and he said something about that and then added that maybe I should've asked M for a hug. It felt very weird to talk about these things with him and pretend that it was pretty much as any topic to me ... I said I thought that he would probably have died or something if I did (to which he agreed). And I did not tell him how much I would actually have liked to do that *sigh* Like I said, it felt very strange to talk about M and hugs and whatever (or single guys risking to die early according to some article that L had read in the paper, which he had talked about with M he said ...)and pretend that it did not really matter. I care way too much about this guy, I know ... but where do I go from here? Why can't I just accept the fact that he does not want me and move on from there? Do I really need to hear him say it? (Damn yes! That would help so much. It would hurt, but it would help in the long run, I am sure!)

And why do I keep spilling all of these feelings out in blogs that could be read by just anyone? I thought I had enough of that back when A (and others) read every single word I wrote at lunarstorm ... but well, maybe I do have some secret hope that somehow he would?! Which is just crazy, cause I doubt he surfs the same sites that I do ... or that he would find me. Perhaps if he was looking for me, but that is hardly unlikely, right? Damn! Don't we all just have a certain need to be read? I miss having my lunardiary read by more people than the usual two really ... I would not mind having it read by strangers, it's the ones I know but don't share everything with (read: certain workmates)that bother me finally ... *sad smile*

This said, I would probably have wasted all of yesterday contemplating M and his cuteness if I hadn't been interrupted (just as I was starting to write an entry in my lunarstorm diary about how cute M was actually *smile*)in my thoughts by that cute sale's guy who was in a rather flirty mood and kept me chatting on the phone for at least twenty minutes. I know that it doesn't mean anything, but it felt good being flattered just the same. Especially since I know that he is cute. I remember him dropping by work to pick up some stuff at Lucia. He was kind of flirty then too (telling me I looked lovely with my white clothes and glitter in my hair), actually, and really cute! Anyway, he really cheered me up and I was in a really good mood for the rest of the day (and technically we have a date next Valborg holiday, as he told me he would take me to his hometown, which supposedly was the place to be to celebrate Valborg)... I think Lillen was very surprised when he called me and I answered "It's actually quite okay" to the question how things were. That's probably the most positive answer he's had from me since I don't know when!! It felt good to be in a good mood, haha!

Nina visited for a while yesterday and brought me a really cute belated birthday gift. This really cute Humphrey's corner stationary set:

I love it! Humphrey and his friends are so cute, and I've only seen them in cross-stitch charts before. I included the cute confetti (with bunnies!) that I got from Melyssa in one of the photos as well! *loving Sofus' digicam*

Anyway, I should try to get away from the computer. Which probably means going back to watching snooker (go Dott!) and continuing the endless work on my cross-stitching ... What an exciting life! Well, tomorrow at least I'm meeting with Camilla, which will be nice. Haven't met her IRL for over a year ... time passes too quickly! (But let's not get started on that topic tonight or this blog entry will really be endless!)

Listening to: "Back to Bedlam" by James Blunt
Currently reading: "Scaredy cat" by Mark Billingham

One night ...

Thursday, 27 April 2006 18:51

 "... One night with you Is what I'm now praying for The things that we two could plan Would make my dreams come true ..."

I so should not be sitting by the computer again. I have way too much of that at work, and right now my entire body seems to be in pain, but mostly my lower arms, of course. It's really driving me crazy. Honestly, what can you do that does not strain your arms? Pretty much nothing ... especially not the things that I like to do, such as writing or cross-stitching and stuff like that. I've had these problems for so long now, and you get used to it somehow ... but now it's really getting worse. I don't want to be back at what it was a few years back when I had to take sick leave finally cause I just couldn't stand it anymore ... *sigh* Let's hope that it won't come to that. It's a good thing I will have vacations soon ... believe it's only three more weeks of work left now. Then Melyssa will come here. Wow! Surreal, for sure! And I really, really hope that the weather will be better by then ... cause what we've had so far this year has not been fun ...

"... Just call my name And I'll be right by your side I want your sweet helping hand My loves too strong to hide ..."

This week is really long and slow. That's usually the case when one has to work a whole week after some weeks have been shortened by holidays, no? There is still another day to go, and I am tired to the bone. Holidays tend to mess things up at work pretty bad, so we're all stressed out. Monday is off too. It's nice to have extra days off, of course, but they make so much trouble at work that sometimes it hardly feels worth it. The funniest thing happening at work today must have been this morning when Kari called and then all the drivers were shouting "good morning". That's an interesting start to your day, no? I couldn't help but smile when Kari told me he just wanted to let me know that he, Lillen, Magnus and Thomas were all sitting down there and Jarmo was loading his truck - just so that I shouldn't wonder where they were. Haha! I can't say that I was wondering, but who cares? Someone making you smile in the morning is always something! (*trying not to get lost in a daydream where I would actually wake to M's beautiful smile in the morning [and wondering if he does smile in the morning, as he does not seem to be one of those people who "rise and shine"]*)

"... Always lived, very quiet life I ain't never did no wrong Now I know that life without you Has been too lonely too long ..."

I decided to nominate this poem for the Sockerdricka anthology finally:

Read the poem "Augustilangtan" at Sockerdricka!

It really wasn't easy to chose one, so I decided to go for the one that I've had most positive response to at the site. I am not that active there, so I usually don't get too many comments, as usually the ones who have tons of comments are those who have many friends in the community. Anyway, now I will just have to wait and see if they will choose to publish my poem or not. I have no idea how many poems are submitted anyway ... I believe there was going to be 250 poems in the book or something. Whatever. I don't like to translate poems, and this one isn't exactly the easiest one, but I will try, for the sake of those of you who don't speak Swedish ...

August longing
The late summer sun penetrate like spears through heavy grey authumn clouds
warms my skin to longing and I tremble
Your eyes whisper to me through nights thick with dreams
wrap me up in sapphire-shimmering velvet
Starlit skies sparkle in your smile
that I have missed through eternal seconds of emptiness
Would you give me your hands to caress
in the first blooming of the dew of dawn?
(Anna 050826)

It's dedicated to M, of course, who else? Damn! His smile is really the most beautiful thing!

"... One night with you Is what I'm now praying for The things that we two could plan Would make my dreams come true ..."

And I will never be able to understand how I can feel that destiny is calling when meeting hi eyes and yet be so wrong ... How can he not feel the electricity when we're in the same room? How could all those smiles, silly words that said nothing but felt heavy with meaning ... how could the mean nothing? That is truly a mystery ... and I go crazy contemplating it, for sure!

Jesper and Nasse making out on the sofa! We found them like this one day ... it means something to me only because my sister calles me Nasse sometimes and M's colleagues call him Jesper ... 

Listening to: "Legendary Elvis"
Currently reading: "Scaredy cat" by Mark Billingham

Prince charming and his horse

Just wanted to show the white horse I got for my birthday from Lillen ... and riding him is of course Drömprinsen (Prince Charming) the frog. And no, when you kiss him he does not turn into a prince, unfortunately :( That would've been great though, wouldn't it? 

Mr M was online at ICQ today when I logged on around lunchtime. After thinking about it for a while, I decided to drop him a little "hello" to see if there was any reaction or reply (my hands shaking violently, of course). There wasn't. Not that I am surprised, but maybe just a tiny bit disappointed. I wanted him to reply, even though I had no idea whatsoever what I would've said to continue the conversation. Would've depended a bit on what his reply was, of course, but no use in contemplating on that since he did not reply. Now all I wonder is: did he realize it was me writing him (we've never spoken that way, I just happened to find him there while browsing for people [and thinking way too much of him] last summer and so I added him on my friend's list, while I am not on his ... so it might just be that he just clicked me away as an unwanted message from someone not on his contact list, not even checking who it was ... I don't know!) and he did not want to talk to me?  I guess I will never find anything out unless I talk to him IRL and I never get around to that. I mean, other than talking about work-related stuff. Damn, why does he have to be so cute? Why did I have to fall so badly for him and why did he have to walk away from my heart and leave it longing for him all the time?

And I dreamt about him again this morning ... Another one of those dreams where we're in the same place, I want to talk to him, but I never get a chance. No need for analyzing there - it's just the plain truth: I want to talk to him, but never get there ... and time just runs away and it's what? seven months since we went out for coffee together ... seven months since the conference ... seven months since my dreams were still alive and not shattered and here I am, still foolishly wishing it could be him and me ...

Why can't I just forget?

Ah, and yesterday I met the cutest guy on Earth - being of course, Alvin. He's adorable. Even though he was not really in a good mood yesterday, you can't help but love him. I wanted to take a photo of him when he was smiling (gorgeous!) or wearing his cute hat with giraffes on it, but the only time I managed to capture him without a blur was when he was asleep finally (and that sure wasn't for long!). But you can still have a look at the cutie here:

I am bored today. I tried to tidy, but mostly I just made more of a mess. Why do I always end up trying to tidy the drawers and cupboards and stuff? That is never a good idea ... When I try to get everything its own little space, I just end up with too little space to take all of my stuff. I really have too many things ... and too little space! I wanted to go for a walk in the sun earlier, but it turned out a very short one. Going for a walk on your own is very, very boring. I was just dying for company (and I seemed to see cute couples everywhere, which didn't exactly help)

Listening to: "The other side" by Evan
Currently reading: "Wolf brother" by Michelle Paver


Monday, 17 April 2006 18:57

"... di notte cerco in ogni stella il tuo riflesso ..."
(Laura Pausini)
I heard this line when listening to Laura's "Tra te ed il mare" album earlier, and they really stuck with me. Watching the stars is something that I like, although I seldom do it. It's not much used to do stragazing when you live in the city, you just don't see many. I did watch them a bit when we were at the cottage this weekend (but it was so cold outside that I really did not stay for long), but I realized that stargazing is yet another thing that I have to take away from M ... It is too related to him in my mind, even though we only did it once and only for a very short while. But standing there with him under the starlit sky (even though we were hardly alone, even though it felt that way) was a lot closer to my dreams than I ever thought I would come ... The fact that those beautiful dreams soon came crushing down is another story ... *sigh*

" ... you will always be the shadow of a doubt Now I go crazy wondering what we might have been ..."
(Richard Marx)
I wish I could explain how I feel right now, but it's hard. I do feel a lot better than I've done in ages though, that much I can say. It felt really good Thursday to finally not react so much to his presence, his smile ... but I am still a long way from totally forgetting. It's a hard thing to do when there isn't anything else to distract you. Cissi keeps telling me I should not try to kill one "monster" with another, but it would probably work (it's not that I am really actively trying to find one though)... This said, I would still want it to be him, I can't help it. Or rather, what I most of all want is to know what happened, what went wrong ... How something that felt so right could turn out so wrong ... or rather not turn out anything at all ... leaving me in pain and crying for so long. But I should have asked him about that so long ago ... it is really too late now, I know ... and it hurts me. I am way too good at thinking "I will do that tomorrow" or "I just have to wait for the right moment", but the right moment to do something that is hard usually never comes, and suddenly you realize that so much time has passed while you were in some kind of black hole filled with pain, doubts and tears ...

" ... life was just what happened while we were busy making plans ..."
(Bon Jovi)
It is, is it not? We always seem to be looking forward to something, wanting something ... something other than what we've got here and now. Why is that? I once again have to realate to something that Amanda wrote once at 360! - "Happiness is being content with what you have". Why is that so hard? It shouldn't be!

I read a wonderful poem at sockerdricka today, and I think you should read it too! It's in Swedish though, so unless you're a Swede you might have problems understanding it. I still wanted to share it with you, cause it really spoke to me. This guy usually amazes me when he publishes poems, so ... I am not surprised!
Read the poem "Du ar som sotast nar jag ser dina brister" at Sockerdricka!
Personally I haven't written a single line of poetry lately ... I am so out of inspiration ... so what on Earth am I going to submit to the anthology? I guess I'll have to dig through some old stuff, cause I want to enter something ... even though it will make me utterly disappointed if they reject me again. Well, you can't have everything. And why is it that I always let everyone else read what I write and not the one who's causing me to write those poems, huh? That's a good question. Why are we so afraid to tell what we feel?

Listening to: "Den roda traden" by Bjorn Afzelius
Currently reading: "Velocity" by Dean Koontz


Easter kisses!

Thursday, 13 April 2006 11:28

So, it's Easter soon ... or perhaps it is Eater already? We only work half day today. And for the last hour or so I can't claim to have worked very hard at all. There is nothing to do. The morning was a bit messy, but once we cleared that up it was pretty dead. Annie has gone home, I am all alone ... and yet I have nothing better to do than some blogging.

M asked me this morning what he was supposed to do if he had a problem after noon and there was noone here to answer the phone. Oh, he made it sound like there is always problems that he has to call about ... so far he's only called once this week, so I don't think it is that big a problem now, eh? Maybe I should've told him he could call me at home.  Now that would have been interesting! Whatever. Today I kind of feel like "whatever, I don't care about him, so what that he is cute" ... let's pary the feeling will last. I so need that!

Oscar called me the little Easter chicken today. So what I wear a yellow skirt (and some feathers in my hair - as I promised Allan I would) - I am not a chicken! I had to borrow the skirt from Sofus though, as I really don't have any yellow clothes. Yellow is not my colour. Well, a skirt does not matter, but I still don't have a yellow one ... even though I have tons of skirts.

It's raining. According to the radio news yesterday the whole Easter would be rainy, according to the TV news it would not. I guess we will just have to wait and see. I really hope that it won't be raining all the time ... We're going to the cottage and it's really boring there unless you can go outside. I guess we will have to bring lots of books, just in case.

Easter kisses to all of you out there!

Listening to: Radio MixCity
Currently reading : "Deception point" by Dan Brown



Sunday, 9 April 2006 15:04
So, now I've been around this world for 28 whole years ... for whatever reason that migh be. Birthdays really doesn't feel as enjoyable as they did when we were young now, do they? Mostly it's just a reminder of another year passing and things not really changing much, if you ask me. That could be considered good or bad, I suppose, but I tend to see it as a bad thing. Perhaps that is wrong of me?!

I had two wishes for my birthday this year:
*a date with a nice and cute boy (in which I did not believe, of course, even though Katta DID promise to get me one *smile*)
*sunny and spring-like weather (which was not supposed to be rainy and about 5 degrees)
I can't say I wished to be woken up at six in the morning by a singing family, who looked like they would rather be in bed ... but since mom was going to work anyway this morning, they seemed to consider it a good idea *yawn* Fortunately I managed to fall asleep again ... and dreamt weird dreams about faces from the past ...

Well, at least I've seen my latest love twize this weekend, as we visited Sofia, Anders and little Alvin yesterday and they came over for a while today. Alvin might be just eight weeks old, but he's already a heartbreaker *s* So cute!
There was sun before, but what on Earth happened to it? Now it's raining again. And I who thought my tactic of wearing summerish clothes was actually working ... Guess I was wrong!

I suppose that Lillen though he had gotten me the perfect birthday present - a toy horse. Suppose he was referring to the knight I always claim to be waiting for ... But I thought I told him that I would be alright with just a knight without a horse, but not a horse without a knight. Well, that is just like him! At least he always manages to make me smile ...

(But I still wanted to meet that knight in shining armour! Did anyone see him? It's quite alright if he does not have an armour actually, as long as he's armed with a pretty smile.)

Damn! The rain is really pouring down in masses now! Like Camilla said, I won't have to worry about looking silly in my (pink and purple with flowers) rubber boots after all ... which I thought I might when the sun was shining during lunch break. Can't say that I am particularly happy about that though ... I would gladly have endured biking in the sun with my rubber boots as long as the sun was shining!

Anyway, have a nice weekend everyone!

(no subject)

Thursday, 6 April 2006 18:02
I think that I am in a period of serious internet addiction at the moment. Could that be healthy, I wonder? But then again, as [profile] aunt_sophie and I agreed on yesterday, the internet is a tool to keep us sane, somehow. A place where you can pour your thoughts, fears, feelings etc out to people ... and you can chose whether to do it in public or selected friends. And it's also a place to meet new, interesting people. Mostly I guess it's just acquantainces, but occasionally you do bump into someone who proves to be a real friend - ain't that great?! :)

Today has been a lousy day, in general. Still I have laughed a lot. Sometimes I wonder how it's possible to laugh even when you feel totally torn and broken inside, but somehow it works ... and I suppose that even though we might notice it, the laughing still helps to ease the pain. I seem to do that a lot, especially with Katta, laugh about what actually hurts ... suppose that is a way to deal with it, to take some of the seriousness away?! Oh, the crazy plans we make sometimes *lol* And I have to smile, otherwise Lillen will tell me I need to smile 'cause I look like the whole world is on my shoulders, and of course I can't claim that it is ...

I still felt lost today. The kind of feeling that hits you when you feel low without being able to put your finger on the reason why. Probably a good thing that it was a busy day; not much time to think. The weather didn't exactly help though ... I thought I was going to cry when I saw the awful, wet snow whirl outside at lunch. Either that, or laugh madly ... What else is there to do about this crazy weather? Thank God, the snow had at least turned into rain before I biked home. But it was cold. 2,3 degrees (Celsius) below zero when I left home this morning. I am so sick of being cold! Spring, come quick, please?!

(no subject)

Wednesday, 5 April 2006 14:41
So, what is there to say? No matter how much I intend to talk to M, it never works out once he's here. There is always so much people around and also I just don't know what to say to "break the ice", to start the conversation. I just wish that I could forget the whole thing ... forget that he ever gave me butterflies (and still do as soon as he smiles) ... but that's just not who I am. I am such a stupid girl. Why did I have to give my heart away? Why oh why?

(And some say there has been snow in the air today. Damn! I want spring, not more winter! And sister and I will be lazy and skip training today. Bad bad! But she was feeling a cold coming on, and my throat is a bit sore as well ...)

(no subject)

Tuesday, 21 March 2006 15:55
Wouldn't it be just lovely to find someone who swept you off your feet? Preferably someone who did not leave you lying broken on the ground once you had lost your footing but who picked you up into his arms and rode you towards the sunset ... *dreaming and feeling a bit bitter*